Some people have a need to be right and for someone else to be wrong. This doesn’t make their side right or even a side at all. I’ve talked about this before in Us vs. Them: Taking Sides in the Publishing War and Us vs. Them: Authors vs. Readers. There are people out there who always have to win an argument, who need to be right no matter what. Don’t let these people get under your skin. They are not always right, and more often than not they are making sides when there shouldn’t be sides at all.
I don’t want to live a life where I let other people decide what I feel.
It is easy to let someone change what you feel. The harsh comments left on your heartfelt post. Thoughtless words spoken on your social media channels. Rude words left on your latest book. It hurts. How do we change our initial reaction from pain, anger, or sadness? How do we stop our hearts from carrying the dreadful feeling in the pit of the stomach or that painful pull in the heart?
In author Rachel Thompson’s article “Using the Four Agreements to Deal With Criticism”, Rachel quotes from The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz: “Nothing others do is because of you. What others say is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” This is, by far, the best advice I have read on the subject. As soon as we accept that others’ opinions are just that, opinions, we become immune to unnecessary suffering at the hands of others.
Growing up I spent the larger part of my childhood in private Christian schools and home where I was homeschooled. When I entered public school I was an outsider in a sea of students that had grown up together and gone to school together all their lives. It was tough. Inspired by my sixth grade teacher, Mr. H., I accomplished much in academics and by the time seventh grade came, I was know for being the A student, the teachers pet. And kids, well, kids were mean. I once received a lower grade on an assignment and a fellow student totted it around the classroom, jeering.
As painful as my seventh grade year was, it taught me something amazing. The opinions of others did not matter as long as I was doing my best and staying true to myself. There would always be those who did not like what I accomplished and even those that just would not like me. That is not a bad thing; in fact, it can be liberating. We must shed the notion that to be successful and happy everyone must like us, like our writing, and agree with us. Unrealistic notions keep us boxed in and paralyzed with fear.
I don’t want to live a life where I let other people decide what I feel.
Wow, your experience feels like my own (except the homeschooling bit) but gosh, I remember how much I’ve suffered by taking into account other people’s opinion. It hurts, even now when I fail in something and they like to gloat about it.
I’m still struggling to not let it affect me so much, but you and Rachel are so right. I must, we all must, stop caring about what others think and start caring only on what we think, what we want.
Today, something embarrasing happened to me at school. I accidentally dropped my wallet in a toilet (groan, I know) and I hurried to wash it off with lots of soap and I put to air dry all my things. Everyone tried to make fun of me, but I just shrugged it off, laughed a bit, carried on with the things I had to do, and everyone let it go because I didn’t show how embarrased/disgusted I was. I’m a germ freak so you can imagine how I was feeling inside. Yuck.
Anyway, I felt proud of myself today and surprisingly, I don’t feel hurt about it at all. They tried to make me feel bad by stating how clumsy I always am, but this time it didn’t work.
🙂
Aw Melissa! *hugs* I’m so proud of you!
Life happens to us all. We all make mistakes. We all have bad days. We all have times where we fail. Learning to accept this and strive for the best of us is all we can do. I have to remind myself of this daily! But together we can help each other and focus on achieving great things together.
I think it really helps to only write and publish those ideas that feel right and authentic to the author, then it matters a little less what others think. I know that sounds simple—yet if we believe in ourselves first and trust that what we have written is as good as it can be, it helps.
Yes Susan, we can certainly apply this to publishing. Once we remove ourselves from being in a position to be hurt by others by focusing too much on the opinion of others we can focus on doing our best in life and in writing.
I’m so glad you’re addressing this. I hope there are a lot of “younger” people out there who are reading this and taking it to heart. Hurt people hurt people. What I’ve learned to do when I face unearned or unexpected criticism, is try to remember that and turn my heart toward sympathy instead of anger. I ask myself “I wonder who hurt them?” (This of course all happens just after I host my pity party complete with refreshments!)
Thank you Anita! Hurting people do hurt others, and sometimes the world can be cruel. Putting ourselves in the shoes of those that say hurtful things is a great exercise. Thank you for reminding me of it.
Wow, I love this post! I wish reviews – both the good and the bad – wouldn’t affect me as much as they do. I’m buying a copy of the book you referenced. Thanks so much!
It is so hard to let things roll off the shoulders as they say. Hopefully these tips and the book will help you! I know these things have helped me.